1. Advice: what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn’t.
  2. Architecture: the art of how to waste space. (Phillip Johnson)
  3. Alarm clock: a small, mechanical device to wake up people without children.
  4. Baby-sitter: a teenager acting like an adult, while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
  5. Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
  6. Benign: What you be after you be eight.
  7. Capitalism: the astounding belief that the most wicked of men will do the most wicked of things for the greatest good of everyone.
  8. Cell-phone: a way to speak to yourself without anyone noticing.
  9. Celebrity: someone who works all his life to be recognized, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
  10. Chemistry: Physics without thought.
    Mathematics: Physics without purpose.
  11. Coincidence: when God chooses to remain anonymous.
  12. Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everyone thinks they got the biggest piece.
  13. Computers: working daily to make the human brain obsolete.
  14. Confidence: the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
  15. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  16. Conservative: a man who believes nothing should be done for the first time.
  17. Conservative: Someone who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation before.
  18. Cuisine: something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to have a french cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served.
  19. Deja vu: the feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before.
  20. Democracy: The theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
  21. Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
  22. A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body.
  23. Friend: Someone who has the same enemies you have.
  24. Happiness: the agreeable sensation felt while contemplating the misery of others.
  25. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
  26. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  27. Jury: twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
  28. Kentucky: Five million people, fifteen last names.
  29. Kiss: A lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
  30. Leet: the art of finding the hardest possible way to say you did something simple.
  31. Life: Sexually transmitted disease, 100% fatal.
  32. Linkin Park:  What was created when they began putting fake grass into the “Lincoln Logs” boxes.
  33. Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!
  34. Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have, to impress people that don’t matter.
  35. Mortal: a generic pronoun for anyone, invented to solve the ‘she/he’ issue.
  36. Oxymoron: Microsoft Works.
  37. Patriot: a person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
  38. Physicist: an atom’s way of looking at itself.
  39. Reincarnation: Let’s keep trying until we get it right.
  40. Slinky: yet another failed attempt at perpetual motion.
  41. Stupidity: doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
  42. Tech Support: your ISPs way of expressing their hatred towards you.
  43. Vegetarian: Native American definition for “lousy hunter“.