There are thousands of male scientists in the world, most of
whom do their jobs quite well. But they’ve failed to fulfill
their duty to fellow men. They haven’t come up with
scientific reasons for certain types of male behavior. They
haven’t given us adequate excuses for habits like leaving
the toilet seat up, refusing to ask for directions and
getting too intimate with the remote control.

Women, it seems, have a monopoly on the excuses. An example
of this occurred some years ago in Brookfield, Wisconsin. As
reported by the Associated Press, Jaclyn Netzel, 19, was
trying to turn her car right when a male driver behind
honked and finally drove around her. Netzel and the man
exchanged obscene gestures. When they met again at a nearby
gas station, Netzel called the man a vulgar name and then
slapped him after they argued. Police cited her for
disorderly conduct. Netzel pleaded that she was pregnant.
Her pregnancy had evidently caused her body to produce a
surplus of a hormone called SMH (Slap Men Hormone).

Netzel told a police officer that “when a female is
pregnant, they are more emotional than normal.” This is why
it’s always a good idea to wear body armor when visiting the
maternity ward. You could get attacked from all directions.
Pregnant women are eager to slap men, because men never have
to go through labor. This resentment probably goes back to
the Garden of Eden: Adam was too busy inventing rules for
football to attend the meeting where God handed out
childbirth duties. Even the feminists haven’t figured out a
way to share this burden with men.

But women have turned pregnancy into an advantage of sorts.
A pregnant women can get away with just about anything:
turning her husband into an errand boy, consuming pizza for
breakfast and ice cream for lunch, eating as if she’s giving
birth to a whale.

Women who aren’t pregnant can also get away with pretty much
anything, as long as the timing is right. Picture this
courtroom exchange:

Judge: “Miss. Fisher, the jury has found you guilty of
hijacking 10 planes, bombing five federal buildings and
destroying three Hollywood marriages, all in one day. Do you
have anything to say?”

Defendant: “Your Honor, it was that time of the month.”

Judge: “Case dismissed!”

If the insanity defense works, it won’t be long before women
invoke the PMS defense. There’s nothing that can’t be
explained by PMS, which stands for either Perilous Mood
Swings or Potential Male Slap. PMS usually lasts just a few
days, but like a football game, can go into overtime. Of
course, there’s a lot of scientific evidence to confirm the
effects of PMS. Men can’t understand it all, but as with
religion, we just have to believe.

If male scientists would get their act together, maybe
they’d discover a few afflictions for men. This would help
us get some much-needed sympathy and ease all that guilt we
feel.

Men who hate to ask for directions probably suffer from
something like GCM (Going in Circles Mania). When pestered
by his wife to stop at a gas station, a man could say,
“Sorry honey, that darned GCM is acting up again.”

Men who forget to lower the toilet seat suffer from TED
(Toilet Etiquette Deficiency). “Sorry honey, the doctor says
it’s incurable.”

Men who skip church to watch football suffer from PDS
(Priority Disorder Syndrome). “You wouldn’t understand it,
honey. It’s a guy thing.”

Men who scratch themselves in public suffer from PMI
(Primitive Male Itch). “Sorry honey, I can’t help it. It’s
genetic.”

Men who caress the remote more than their wives suffer from
BPO (Button Pushing Obsession). “Sorry honey, I don’t know
which buttons to push with you. Do you have one for ‘mute’?”

Come on scientists, we need this a lot more than we need
cloned sheep.

 

Copyrights – Melvin Durai Web Column

Advertisements